The feeling that I cannot seem to find a fitting word for

Savouring the ridges and folds of life, getting lost in the in between, dreaming with my eyes wide open, peeling off layers that are meant to be kept and still passing through the fog.

- 28.9.2025

Nostalgia will forever be my Roman Empire. As my siblings are becoming young adults, I can’t help myself but think of all the past version of me. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that at 27 I feel more like myself, more content and more optimistic than ever. Time is the only constant, be more grateful, don’t take things for granted and all the bad can be turned into a lesson. And that 27 sucked but at least I’m no longer anxious about reaching a new age and more than anything I’m curious and excited about what’s yet to come. And in the end it is all making more sense.

- 17.11.2024

2024 photo dump. How the heck is it[insert any month after January] already? Funny to think that as a kid you thought being 27 is old. The theme of 2024 so far is: adulting, figuring out living in Prague again situation, thinking, dreaming, reflecting and living predominantly in my head. Also a lot of it has been just doing things I have been postponing for years and not taking time given for granted. Trying to live more, trying to not take life so seriously, trying to live a more meaningful fulfilling life. Embracing life as it is and as it flows.

- 8.5.2024

These are the latest captions of my instagram posts. Scrolling through my own profile, I realise that there seems to be a pattern, to the point that one could think I got stuck somewhere along the way, though in reality, I feel like so many things have changed, shifted, mended, twisted, turned in the past few years. I very feel much of the cliche of 20s being the most defining decade of one's life. I have been learning to embrace life, let life be, while having a dialogue with it, being more respectful to the circumstances I found myself in. The struggle to fully embody this, living more lightly comes from... the feeling I cannot seem to find a fitting word for. The grief, the nostalgia, the sentiment, the yearning I feel towards life, the missed changes, the things I cannot reverse, the parallel lives that will carry on only in my imagination, all no longer attainable and lost, erased, buried. And the humility that comes with truly feeling in every single cell of your body that you are owed nothing, that you do not get to get anything, that in the end, nothing is really that big and nothing truly matters, once you are gone. And that genuine tender feeling of sadness that life will carry on without you being around and you will not even know. You will vanish, we will vanish into the dust of the stars and yet the current experiences of our lives can feel so big and engulfing(?). The sorrow of realising that I might never get to experience so many things in life that many of us take as given? Growing old, having a family, it might never happen and yet I will have to carry on and in the end, it will not matter, even if all of it were to happen eventually. So how do you carry on living and finding a meaning, when really, there seems to be none. It feels like, like I said, walking through the fog, in some way knowing where I am heading but not seeing the way forward clearly. I think those whose path is brighter, warmer with blue skies can just enjoy the view and not walk. Could our paths ever cross again?

Could they? 

Paths crossing.

Paths going parallel.

Paths diverting.

Paths heading towards each other.

Will they ever connect?

Will they ever become one?

Today they will. 

The sorrow that comes with knowing you cannot have something you wanted the way you wanted it all to end. The sorrow that comes with letting go what was never meant for you. The sorrow that comes with the finality of the end. The sorrow that lives move past but never crash. The sorrow, the hurt, the sadness turned into a phoenix, raising from the ashes of the bridges that were burned and taken down. By choice. By conscious decision to leave things behind, with the promise of the better days, endless routes. Will any of them ever take me to the land of paradise before I face the gates of the heaven?

How does one carry on, where does one find the fuel to do it? To do what, to find what?